Since cable television left, I’ve been watching only national news on CBS, ABC, NBC, or PBS. No Montana news is available, but I can hear about Rapid City if I’m interested. With my choice of national news announcer, I can find the most pleasing voice to tell me the bad news.

North Korea is ruled by a short, fat dictator, with a really bad haircut. All of the nation’s unnaturally thin soldiers are parading in a painful “goose step” made popular by Hitler. Those men and women will need an orthopedic surgeon by the time they’re 35 years old! In addition, while they and the rest of...