The Ekalaka Eagle - Your Community Builder

For those of you who are stuck at home self quarantining, I have a bit of reading material for you this week. This tale by Mark Silverstein, who ranches north of Big Timber, Montana came to my inbox with the following comment, "Your Dr. Seuss tribute poem (loved that Seussan Metcalf) inspired me to write a "Fairy Tale" of my own with similar subject matter." Thanks for submitting this fairy tale, Mark! It takes our mind off of Covid-19 for a few minutes!

A FAIRY TALE

--by Mark Silverstein

Once upon a time, millions of millennials and millions of today’s college graduates and all 871 of Bernie Sanders’ supporters banded together to back the dream of the folks at Impossible Beef. They formed a coalition to end animal agriculture by the year 2035 and they called it Impossible’s Dream Is Our Target, or IDIOT for short. They called all their BFFs in the media and somehow convinced Congress to make it illegal to be involved in animal agriculture or to process any animals for consumption after January 1, 2035.

Regular folks like us who have always taken care of the animals but are not nearly as smart as the IDIOTs (as they are always willing to tell us) will have many questions about the effects of their legislative success. There are now millions and millions of domestic animals being raised and cared for by farmers and ranchers just in this country alone. Even if we allow the numbers to dwindle in preparation for the great “planet saving” event of 2035, there would still likely be many millions left to deal with.

“What would happen to all these animals after the critical date?” we would ask the IDIOTs, “It would no longer be economically practical, or in most cases, even possible to keep these animals fed and their health issues looked after if there were no way to market them. How would we earn enough money to provide the care necessary for their survival?” “That is not our problem,” the IDIOTs would respond.

“But what about the welfare of these poor creatures?” we would ask. “They have never been wild animals. They have been domesticated and cared for by man for many millennia. There will be no place for them to go. Surely they will suffer and die.” The IDIOTs will address our naïve question by telling us that, in their wisdom, they have saved the planet by inventing fake meat and cannot be responsible for coming up with solutions for all the trivial side-effects which may occur.

After many years, some of the animals will adapt and survive, but the numbers will continue to decline. As time goes by, most of these species might even face extinction. There will then be a great cry of alarm from the always vocal animal rights crowd; although they were strangely silent when we asked how the animals would be cared for when our markets became illegal. Most of them were among the original IDIOTs who praised Impossible’s fake meat for saving the animals. They will say that extinction must not happen. They will appeal to President Bernie Sanders Jr. to protect these dying breeds. “Surely, Mr. President our 87% tax burden should be able to help care for a few animals?” But President Sanders Jr. will tell us that insufficient proteins and vitamins and excessive chemical additives in our diet have caused a great strain upon our universal healthcare system and we cannot afford to care for these animals. “Why not call the American Prairie Reserve in Montana?” he will say, “Surely they will have some room to keep a few cows and sheep and pigs and goats and chickens now that they have increased their size to thirty million acres!”

Another question we will have for the IDIOTs will be about all of the products that will no longer be available because they were made from animal by-products obtained during the food production process. They will tell us not to worry because they will build giant factories that will produce hundreds of chemicals to make plant based items that will be nearly as good as the stuff naturally occurring in those awful farting animals.

Thank Goodness for all the IDIOTs and others like them! Even though sound science and a little bit of common sense tell us that what they are doing may have disastrous long-term effects, we can believe them when they tell us that what they are doing is purely about saving the planet and knowing what is best for our personal health needs. If you have any doubts about the claims of fake meat producers, there is a long list of Hollywood actors and professional athletes who will gladly give their expert opinions to reassure you against any doubts you may have. THE END

People are going to be doing a whole lot more cooking at home in the next few weeks, so I have some great beef recipes for you. Beef--it's what is for quarantine dinner! I am delighted to see beef flying off the shelves almost as fast as toilet paper!

Easy Beef Enchiladas

l lbs. ground beef, browned

2 cans enchilada sauce

1 can chopped green chilies

1 pkg. 6 inch flour tortillas

1.5 C. shredded Cheddar cheese

fresh toppings as desired such as chopped

tomato, chopped green onion, avocado

Brown burger. Stir in 1/2 C. enchilada sauce and chilies. Spread 1/2 C. enchilada sauce evenly in a sprayed baking dish. Spread 1/4 C. beef mixture down the center of each tortilla. Sprinkle with 1 T. cheese. Wrap tortillas tightly around the filling and place seam side down in a baking dish. Top with remaining enchilada sauce and sprinkle with remaining cheese. Bake 20 to 25 minutes until hot and bubbly. Let stand 5 minutes before serving. Top with fresh toppings of your choice and sour cream and guacamole if desired

Crockpot Beef Stew

2 lbs. beef stew meat

1/4 C. flour

1/2 t. salt

1/2 t. pepper

1 clove garlic, minced

1 t. paprika

1 t. Worcestershire sauce

1 onion, chopped

1.5 C. beef broth

3 potatoes, diced

4 carrots, sliced

2 stalks celery, chopped

Place meat in slow cooker. In a small bowl, mix together the flour, salt, and pepper. Pour over meat and stir to coat meat with flour mixture. Stir in the remaining ingredients. Cover and cook on low setting for 10 to 12 hours or on high setting for four to six hours.

Easy Beef Wellington

4 beef tenderloin steaks (6 oz. each)

3/4 t. salt, divided

1/2 t. pepper, divided

2 T. olive oil, divided

1 3/4 C. sliced fresh mushrooms

1 med. onion, chopped

1 pkg. (17.3 oz) frozen puff pastry, thawed

1 large egg, lightly beaten

Sprinkle steaks with 1/2 t. salt and 1/4 t. pepper. In large skillet, brown steaks in 1 T. oil for 2 to 3 minutes on each side. Remove and refrigerate until chilled. Saute mushrooms and onions in meat drippings and remaining oil. Stir in remaining salt and pepper. Cool to room temperature. Preheat oven to 425 degrees. On a lightly floured surface, roll each puff pastry sheet into a 14 x 9-1/2-in. rectangle. Cut into two 7-in. squares (use scraps to make decorative cutouts if desired). Place a steak in the center of each square; top with mushroom mixture. Lightly brush pastry edges with water. Bring opposite corners of pastry over steak; pinch seams to seal tightly.

Place in a greased 15 X 10 X 1 inch baking pan. Cut four small slits in top of pastry. Arrange cut-outs over top if desired. Brush with egg. Bake at 425 degrees for 25 to 30 minutes until pastry is golden and meat reaches desired doneness. (135 degrees for medium-rare, 140 degrees for medium, and 145 for medium well.)