Cooking in the West

Farming on cow/calf operations gets slipped in instead of sleep between calving, feeding, branding, fencing, and all the other spring work. It is often a high-speed, high-stress form of diversification that causes a lot of laundry problems.

Anyway the inspiration for the following "Rancher's Guide to Farming" came when I wandered out to the shop. I could tell that something was wrong, because my husband and son and our neighbor were standing with their hands on their hips staring at a plow. Finally one of them said, "It must be binding somewhere."

Another one answered, "Yep!" Then as one, they all three descended on the thing with grease guns, WD-40, hammers, wrenches, and epithets. From observation and reluctant participation in farming operations on a cattle ranch, I have drafted the following “Rancher’s Guide to Farming.”

#1. If something won't move, use WD-40... and get a bigger hammer.

#2. If it still doesn't move, mist all surfaces with WD-40, go to the shop for bigger hammers and mauls that don't have broken handles, and apply them simultaneously to the parts that don't move.

#3. If there is a zerk, grease it. If there isn't a zerk, grease it. If there is grease anywhere, get it on your clothes, so the little missus will have something to occupy herself with besides bon bons and re-runs of "Green Acres" and trying to find "zerk" in the dictionary and figuring out how to hold dinner for three hours or more while doing a mountain of greasy laundry.

#4. Duct tape is overrated. It might save you from terrorist attacks or help you subdue a fugitive, but it isn't worth a darn when used with hydraulics.

#5. All the chains, the metric wrenches, and several other required tools should be conveniently stored in the other tractor's toolbox in a field a few miles away. Sending the little missus off with a very vague description of the required tool or part and a list of all the possible places it could be provides her with a good hobby on her day off from her town job (which is a necessity for cash flow on most farm and ranch operations) and gives her something to do to get her out of the house and away from those bon bons and the large pile of greasy laundry.

#6. When not eating the aforementioned bon bons or watching television, the farm wife is occasionally called upon to hold a wrench on the opposite side of a hunk of scrap iron from the farmer. Invariably, she doesn't hold it right, so the bolt spins. Although she is not sure how he can tell it's spinning, she can hear him grunting, "Righty tighty, lefty loosey" through his clenched teeth. She has never understood what that means, but she applies pressure in the opposite direction, and it usually shuts him up.

#7. If hammers, WD-40, bigger hammers, several sets of wrenches, and two high lift jacks won't solve the problem, it is time to bring in the loader tractor. This step was preceded by a discourse that went roughly, "Some highly credible salesman said that a good loader tractor is the center of any good operation, so that piece of junk loader of ours must be our problem, and did I mention that John Deere has 0% financing right now?"

#8. Although the farm wife will insist that swearing will not help anything and furthermore that it does not set a good example for the children, she has been proven wrong many times. Apparently cursing has a lubricating effect on dirt and rust, because often, when applied in conjunction with a large hammer or better yet a wrecking bar, cursing often brings about the desired result. Apparently this chisel plow has a questionable lineage and will be toasty warm in the afterlife!

#9. When two people are using pipe wrenches, they must communicate well. Otherwise, when one lets go of his wrench, it will hit the other person and cause a large bloody contusion (which sounds sort of British, but is really just painful). However, all contusions can be rendered farmer first aid with black electrical tape, which has three amazing qualities: it can be found in the toolbox, it will stick to greasy skin, and in fact it blends right into grease-colored skin.

#10. Persistence pays off. Try every solution. Try every solution again. Eventually the WD-40 will work its way into every crevasse and greasy cranny and voila! The cylinder will extend, the wheels will drop, the tool bar is ready to head to the field, and the cowboy mechanics will declare a victory... even though they have no idea what was wrong nor how they fixed it. The one thing they DO know, however, is that, if we could afford a big machine shed to store our equipment in, we wouldn't have these problems. Maybe next year.

#11. Unfortunately, farmers don't have time to attend anger management seminars, so they have to improvise. One way to put the joy back into farming is to pencil out a new loader and machine shed and then take the figures down to their bankers so they can all have a good old tension-relieving belly laugh!

My featured cook this week is Misty Hammerbacker from Jefferson Island, Montana, which is one mile south of the little town of Cardwell. Thanks, Misty!

Chile Verde:

Pork shoulder roast

garlic powder

1 lg. onion

ground cumin

1 or 2 large tomatoes

1 small can green chilis

salt and pepper to taste

Cut meat into small chunks. Put meat in a bean pot with spices and cover with a lid. Let the meat cook for at least 1 hour in an oven at 350 degrees. Stir occasionally. Slice onion and tomato. Add onion, tomato, and green chilis to meat. Cover and let slow cook in the oven. Reduce heat to 325 degrees. For more flavor put in more ground cumin. Serve with flour tortillas on the side. Also good with rice. (You can also use good Montana beef, moose, elk, deer or antelope instead of pork roast if you choose.)

Irish Soda Bread:

2 C. flour

3 T. shortening

1 1/2 t. baking powder

1 C. buttermilk

3/4 t. soda

1 t. salt

3 T. sugar

melted butter

2/3 C. coarsely chopped raisins (optional)

Sift dry ingredients together; cut in shortening until in fine pieces; make well in center; pour in buttermilk. Add raisins if desired; mix lightly to form moderately soft dough. Turn out on a floured board; knead gently; shape into a round loaf. Fit into a greased bowl. Cut loaf crosswise two-thirds of the way through. Brush on melted butter. Bake at 350 for 30 min. Goes great with stew.

Apple Spice Bread:

2 med. apples, grated

3 T. lemon juice

2 t. baking powder

1 C. flour

1 egg

1 1/2 t. cinnamon

1 C. whole wheat flour

3 T. canola oil

1 t. vanilla

pinch of nutmeg

1/2 t. allspice

1/4 t. salt

3/4 C. packed brown sugar

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Coat loaf pans with cooking spray. Peel and grate apples. Toss with lemon juice. Combine dry ingredients except brown sugar in a large bowl. Mix well. Make a well in the center and add set aside. Mix the rest of the ingredients and add to dry ingredients. Mix until just blended. Transfer to loaf pans. Bake for 1 hour until the wooden toothpick in the center comes out almost clean. Cool in a pan or on a rack for 10 minutes. Remove and cool completely. Freezes well.