Cooking in the West

I am pretty sure that everyone has grown weary of trying to find humor in a pandemic. However, since the whole world is in a state of virus-induced depression, I think we need good belly laughs now more than ever. One of the best laughs I have had begs the question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Its original author has long since been lost in cyberspace, but I chose to abridge it in order to alienate people of all political persuasions while inducing some chuckles.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? -author unknown:

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources--they're very good sources--that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed and also climate change! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road uphill both ways in a blizzard, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Although this column begs for chicken recipes, instead I have recipes from my featured cook, Julie Schultz. Julie writes, "We get our mail from Alma.KS. We are ranchers. I get my paper second hand from Mike Schmitt, our neighbor. Then I give them to Turk and his wife, who lease our pasture. So we get a lot of mileage from your paper. Thanks, Julie!

Easy Cinnamon Roll Bread:

There is no yeast in this recipe, so prep time is quick. You don’t even need a mixer! It makes its own unique swirl as it bakes.)

BREAD:

2 C. all-purpose flour

1 T. baking powder

1/2 t. salt

1/2 C. sugar

1 egg, room temperature

1 C. milk

2 t. vanilla extract

1/3 C. plain Greek yogurt, or sour cream

SWIRL:

1/3 C. sugar

2 t. cinnamon

2 T. butter, melted and cooled slightly (can use water instead)

GLAZE:

1/2 C, powdered sugar

2-3 t. cream or milk (as needed for consistency)

Preheat the oven to 350 F. Butter or spray a glass loaf pan. In a small bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, salt, and sugar. Set aside. In a large bowl, whisk together the egg, milk, vanilla, and yogurt or sour cream. Add the flour mixture to the egg mixture, stirring with a spoon just until combined. Pour into the prepared loaf pan.

In a small bowl, stir the swirl ingredients together. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto the top of the bread; then use a knife to swirl it a couple of times into the batter. (Don’t overmix it). Bake for 45-50 minutes or until the center tests done with a toothpick.

Remove from the oven and cool for 15 minutes in the pan on a wire rack. Remove bread from the pan and cool completely on the rack. Make the glaze by whisking the ingredients together in a small bowl until smooth, adding a dab of milk at a time until a good drizzling consistency is reached. When the bread is completely cool, drizzle the glaze on top.

Pickles on Steroids:

Buy 1 gallon of Kosher Dill Pickles (whole)

12 oz. jar Jalapeno pepper slices

7 buds of garlic

2 to 3 C. sugar

Pour off the pickle juice and slice pickles up like pickle chips. Place all of the sliced pickles back into the jar. Chop or slice the garlic buds and place in that jar. Add sugar to taste. Add jalapenos including juice into the jar. Put a Ziploc baggie under the lid and screw the lid on. Lay the jar on its side on a hand towel on the counter and roll the jar back and forth several times every day for six days. Store in the refrigerator after 6 days.

Sausage Cake:

1 pound pork sausage

1 1/2 C. firmly packed brown sugar

1 1/2 C. granulated sugar

2 eggs, lightly beaten.

3 C. flour

1 t. ginger

1 t. baking powder

1 t. pumpkin pie spice

1 t. baking soda

1 C. cold coffee

1 C. raisins

1 C. chopped pecans or walnuts

In a mixing bowl, combine meat and sugars and stir until mixture is well blended. Add eggs and beat well. Sift flour, ginger, baking powder, and pie spice. Stir baking soda into COFFEE. Add flour mix and coffee alternately to the meat mix, beating well after each addition. Pour boiling water over raisins and let them stand 5 minutes before draining. Fold raisins and nuts into cake batter. Turn batter into a well-greased and floured mini bundt pan. Bake 1 and 1/2 hours at 350 degrees or until done. Cool for 15 minutes in the pan before you turn out. (You can frost with a light powdered sugar frosting if you desire. Be sure to store cake in the refrigerator.)