Cooking in the West

Many readers commiserated with me in my pack rat war that I recently recounted, but to be honest, the pack rat war was not the most fierce battle I ever fought as a camp cook. Now, hunting camp cooking is ordinarily a delightful experience!

You get up at 3 a.m., try not to singe your bangs lighting the kerosene lamps, fire up the wood stove, cook all day, prepare elk heart appetizers, wait anxiously for hunters to arrive several hours past the optimum serving time of the entrees, and pack 50 gallons of water 2 buckets at a time up a steep ravine - and that's the good part! The challenging part is fending off wild animals!

This is not a grizzly bear story. It is the story of a maniacal squirrel. It happened a few years ago in the Scapegoat Wilderness when I was cooking for the K Lazy Three. The first night, I had a visitor who plagued me until I rode out of camp. As soon as I switched on my light the first morning, I heard rustling in the boxes. A large squirrel popped its head out and glared steadfastly at me. I politely asked him to leave, but he bared his gleaming incisors and kept munching a hunk of bread. I knew instinctively that I was not dealing with an ordinary squirrel.

When my boss, Brett Todd, came to the cook tent, I made the mistake of telling him about my close encounter with the rabid squirrel. He assured me that squirrels are not nocturnal, so it was probably a pack rat. In fact, they had heard a pack rat in the guide's tent during the night. I think that was somehow supposed to make me feel better.

All day long, the psychotic squirrel raided the cook tent. When I would throw something, he would retort in unmistakable squirrel curses. I vowed that I would have the cheeky varmint shot. Unfortunately, no hunters showed up before dark, so the squirrel would live another day, because even though these hunters had every other nifty hunting gadget sold in Cabela's, they had no night vision scopes.

That night Guy Gravert, one of the guides, mentioned that the pack rat had hauled off his toothbrush. The gleaming incisors of the squirrel flashed in my mind's eye, and I surmised that my squirrel was being mistaken for a pack rat. The kleptomaniacal squirrel raided the cook tent by day and the guide's tent by night! He absconded with Guy's long johns and was briefly suspected in the disappearance of a pair of pants.

By the fourth day, O'Squirrel Bin Laden and I were carrying on a dialogue. I felt evilly schizophrenic as I chattered conversationally with him in an attempt to lure him within range of my Dutch oven lid. The hunters began to avoid me so they wouldn't have to explain again why they were reluctant to shoot the camp mascot with a .338 Weatherby.

Finally on the last morning, when the carnivorous squirrel eviscerated the packer's unguarded lunch in seconds with his freakish razor-like toenails and fangs, the others began to realize that perhaps I had not gone stir crazy from all that cooking under extreme conditions. As we rode out of Meadow Creek, his eerie taunts filled the frosty air, and I think Brett even shuddered!

This column demands squirrel recipes, but instead this week I'm sharing recipes from "The Healthy Beef Cookbook," a joint venture between the National Cattlemen's Beef Association and the American Dietetic Association.

Basic Beef Pot Roast:

2 t. olive oil

1 boneless beef chuck shoulder roast (3 lbs.)

1/2 t. salt

1/4 t. pepper

2 c. chopped onion

3 cloves garlic, minced

14 oz. can beef broth

Heat oil in a stockpot. Brown roast. Remove from the pan and season with salt and pepper. Pour off all but 1 t. of the drippings. Add onion and garlic to pot and cook 3-4 minutes until onion is tender. Stir in broth and bring to a boil. Add roast, cover tightly, and simmer on top of the range or in a 325¡ oven for 2-3 hours until the roast is fork-tender.

Basic Beef Meatballs:

1 lb. ground beef

1/2 c. soft bread crumbs

2 egg whites, lightly beaten

2 T. finely chopped onion

1 t. minced garlic

1/2 t. salt

1/8 t. pepper

Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Mix lightly but thoroughly. Shape into 12 - 2" meatballs. Place on aluminum foil in a broiler pan rack and bake at 400¡ for 17-19 minutes to medium doneness, or until the juices show no pink color.

Easy Beef Chili:

1 lb. ground beef

1/4 t. salt

1/4 t. pepper

1 can chili beans in chili sauce, undrained

14 oz. can chili-style chunky tomatoes, undrained

1 c. frozen corn

2 T. fresh chopped cilantro, optional

Brown ground beef. Pour off drippings and season. Stir in remaining ingredients except cilantro, bring to a boil, reduce heat, cover, and simmer for at least 10 minutes. Sprinkle with cilantro if desired before serving.