Cooking in the West

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter in late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known... ONLY females would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night trusting the sleigh’s GPS rather than disregarding and/or swearing at it. Technology has also changed the playing field when it comes to threatening children with Santa Claus. I remember scolding my children for bad behavior and reminding them that Santa Claus was watching them like an omniscient warden. With technology, those threats have become much more effective. Santa can be texted, called on the cell phone from almost anywhere, or messaged on Facebook. One can make a pretty convincing case that Santa has video surveillance and an army of drones at his disposal to compose his naughty and nice list. Kids nowadays have no chance! Technology was the inspiration for this poem I wrote years ago after reading an article entitled “Santa Physics” that one of my students brought to me. Merry Christmas!

I Believe in Santa Claus!

—by Susan Metcalf

‘Twas the night before Christmas; I was surfing the net.

Trying to find a cyber bargain I hadn’t checked out yet.

I knew I should shut down and hit the hay,

Because tomorrow would be a big holly day!

My mouse was exhausted, but it clicked on and on.

‘Till I found some information to ponder upon. . .

I found an essay called “Santa Physics” confusing;

Though some parts of it were rather amusing.

There are no classified reindeer species known to fly,

However, there are 300,000 species left to classify.

Is there hope or are scientists rightly skeptical

That Rudolph and his phylum could be aeronautical?

Assuming that reindeer could fly, let’s check some stats!

That there are 8 billion children in the world is a fact.

However, only 378 million of them believe in Santa Claus.

Now, let’s analyze some mathematical Christmas Eve laws.

Assuming an even distribution of houses,

With 3.5 children and two spouses,

Santa must visit approximately 90.8 million homes

In a one night flight originating far north of Nome.

If he circles the globe from east to west,

He’ll have 31 hours to complete his quest.

At 877.6 visits per second, he spends .001 seconds in each chimney.

He won’t sport a bowl-full-of-jelly physique this year, by Jiminy!

The bottom line is that loaded sled would weight 353,930 pounds,

So to travel at 650 miles per hour or 3000 times the speed of sound,

Old St. Nick would need 214,200 reindeer to power his big red sled,

But with the G-force at that speed, they’d all incinerate and be dead!

While I pondered this, in Cyberspace there arose such a clatter

I quickly checked my Facebook to see what was the matter. . .

A mysterious personal message sent my world back to right--

It said, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

My featured cooks this week are Western Ag Reporter staff members who shared these special recipes as their Christmas card to you from them. Thanks, Kellie Kubacak, Carmen Waters, and Tracy Gunther! I wish you all a blessed Merry Christmas!

From Kellie Kubacak, WAR Assistant Editor:

Kellie’s Angel Food Cake

Sift together three times and set aside:

11/2 C powdered sugar, sifted

1 C cake flour

In large mixing bowl, beat until foamy:

1 1/2 C egg whites, room temp.

1 1/2 t cream of tartar

1/4 t salt

Gradually add two tablespoons at a time to egg white mixture:

1 C sugar (granulated)

Continue beating until egg whites hold stiff peaks; fold in:

1 1/2 t vanilla

1/2 t almond extract

Fold flour and sugar mixture gradually into egg whites. Spoon batter into ungreased tube pan. Gently cut through batter with a knife to remove air bubbles. Bake at 375° for 30 to 35 minutes. Cool before turning out.

Texas Chili

Brown meat in hot oil on all sides:

1 lb. Owens or Jimmy Dean sausage, hot

2 lbs. stew meat

Add; cook five minutes:

1 C onions, chopped

1 bell pepper, chopped

1 large clove garlic, minced

Add; cover and simmer two hours:

2½ C water or beef broth

½ t oregano

1 (12-oz.) can tomato paste

3 T chili powder or to taste

Salt to taste

½ t red pepper

½ t cumin

Add, cook until thoroughly heated:

1 (15½-oz. can pinto beans (opt.)

Tip: The longer and slower you cook chili, the better it tastes.

From Carmen Waters, WAR Office Manager:

Carmen’s Pistachio Salad

1 small cottage cheese

1 large Cool Whip (thawed)

1 small can crushed pineapple (drained)

1 pistachio Jell-O (dry, not made into actual Jell-O)

Mix all together and refrigerate

From Tracy Gunther, WAR Bookkeeper:

Tracy’s Christmas Prime Rib Roast

Remove roast from refrigerator and let it stand for 1 hour at room temperature. Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Place prepared meat in the oven and roast uncovered for 1 hour.

After that hour turn the oven off. DO NOT open the oven door. Let roast sit in the oven for 4-5 hours. (Allow larger roasts the longer time.)

After the 4 or 5 hours, turn the oven on to 375 degrees and roast 30 minutes for a medium-rare roast.

Remove the roast from the oven and let it stand 10-15 minutes before carving.